OPENING SONG

LET THERE BE LIPS!

                Michael Rennie was ill, the day the Earth stood still, but he told us where we stand. ON OUR FEET! And Flash Gordon was there, in EDIBLE.  silver underwear. KINKY! Claude Rains was the invisible man. BUT HE DIDN’T SHOW UP. Then something went wrong, for Faye Wray and King Kong, they got caught in a SEXUAL celluloid jam. YEAH JAM! Then at a deadly pace, it came ON JANET’S FACE! from outer space. And this is how the message ran... FREEZE!

                (WHEN EACH STARS NAME APPEARS ON THE SCREEN, USE THE FOLLOWING LINES:  ANOTHER HELPING OF CURRY PLEASE! SLUT! ASSHOLE! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR DRUGS? KISS ASS! UGH! EDDIE EDDIE! CHUCKIE GREY, HE’S OKAY, BUT HE’S GOT NO FUCKING NECK!)

                CHORUS:  Science fiction - double feature, Doctor X will build a creature. See androids fighting Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, double feature, picture show.

                I knew Leo G. Carrol, was over a barrel, when tarantula took to the hills. LICK THOSE LIPS! And I really got hot, when I saw JANET’S TWAT. Jeanette Scott, fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills. WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRIFFID? Dana Andrews said prunes, gave him the runes THEY GAVE ME THE SHITS! and passing them used lots of skills. YEAH SKILLS! But when worlds collide, said George Pal to his bride, I’m going to give you some SEXUAL. terrible thrills. Like a...

                CHORUS:  Science fiction - double feature, Doctor X SEX, SEX, SEX! will build a creature. See androids fighting AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON. Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go, oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show, By RKO. RK WHO? Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show. In the back row. FUCK THE BACK ROW! FUCK THE FRONT ROW! Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show.

WEDDING SCENE

(THROW YOUR RICE)

PH         Here they come. SO DOES BRAD! Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all                                the close family. GIVE US A NOD. GOD WHAT UGLY KIDS. Smile... ...oh, that’s

                beautiful. And... ...smile.

RAL     Hey, terrific!

PH         Congratulations!

RAL     Well, I guess we really did it, huh? ASSHOLE FIGHT! ASSHOLE FIGHT!

B            I don’t think there’s any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable

                since you met in Dr. Scott’s refresher course. THEY USED SUPER GLUE AS A

                CONTRACEPTIVE!

RAL     Well, to tell you the truth Brad, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place. I

                mean...

BET     Okay you guys, this is it! You ready?

RAL     Looks like Betty’s going to throw her bouquet. THROW IT TO THE SLUT!

J              I got it! I got it! HOW WAS IT?

RAL     Hey big fella... ...looks like it could be your turn next eh?

B            Who knows? THE SHADOW KNOWS!

RAL     Well, so long. See you Brad. THINK ABOUT IT ASSHOLE! See you Brad. OLD                  FARTS!

J              Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful? NO! Didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful? NO! Oh, I

                can’t believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now... SHE’S STILL

                PLAIN! ...now she’s Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt. HORSE SHIT!

B            Yes Janet, Ralph’s a lucky guy. LUCKY HELL, BETTY’S GOT THE CLAP!

J              Yes!

OLD    Oh, I always cry at weddings. AND LAUGH AT FUNERALS.

B            Why everyone knows that Betty’s a wonderful little cook. AND A GREAT FUCK!

J              Yes! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A BILLBOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF A

                CEMETERY?

B            Why Ralph himself, he’ll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.

J              Yes!

B            Hey Janet.

J              Yes Brad?

B            I’ve got something to say. SAY IT ASSHOLE! I really loved the... STARTS WITH                  AN S, TRY SKILLFUL. ...skillful way... WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS! ...you                  beat the girls... WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS! ...to the bride’s bouquet. HAVE AN

                ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! The river was deep, but I swam it.                                               JANET. The future is ours so let’s plan it. JANET. So please don’t tell me to can it.                         JANET. There’s one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW!                               damn it! Janet! I love you! The road was long, but I ran it. JANET. There’s a fire in my                         heart and you fan it. JANET. HEY RIFF, KILL THAT SMURF! If there’s one fool                                 for you then I am it. JANET. I have one thing to say and that’s damn it! Janet! I love                     you! ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS. Here’s the ring to prove                               that I’m no joker. HE’S A QUEEN! There’s three ways that love can grow. FIND ‘EM,

                FUCK ‘EM, AND FORGET ‘EM! That’s good, bad, or mediocre. HOW DO YOU                               SPELL SLUT? J-A-N-E-T I love you so!

J              Oh, this is nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD. Now we’re engaged and I’m so                  glad. OH BRAD. That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. met mom and                                 you know dad. OH BRAD. There’s one thing to say and that’s:  Brad, I’m mad for A                             SCREW! you too! Oh Brad!

B            Oh... ...damn it!

J              I’m PREGNANT! mad.

B            Oh SHIT! Janet!

J              For you.

B            I WANT TO SCREW YOU TOO! I love you too-oo-oo-oo.

B&J     There’s one thing left to do THAT’S SCREW! ah-oo.

B            PICK A BUGGER AND LET IT FLY ASSHOLE! And that’s go see the man who                                 began it. JANET. When we met in his science exam-it. JANET! PLAY WITH                                                  YOURSELF ASSHOLE! Made me give you the eye and then panic. JANET Now I’ve                   one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! Damn it! Janet!                                  I love you! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE! Damn it, Janet...

J              Oh Brad, I’m mad.

B            Damn it, Janet. DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW. I love you... SPLIT THE                               CROSS PLEASE. THANK YOU!

CRIM  WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING NECK? I would like, YOU WOULD, WOULDN’T                               YOU? if I may, YOU MAY. to take you WHERE? on a strange journey. HOW                                                  STRANGE WAS IT? NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE! THREE PAGES TO                      ASSHOLE, TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE, ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE!     AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! SLUT AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE                   IT! It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors, and his fiancee’ Janet Weiss,                  two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening IT WAS                        AUGUST! to visit a Dr. Everett Scott KISS ASS! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE                                 IT!  ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE?                                 It’s true, there were dark storm clouds. DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS.  heavy, black, and                          pendulous, toward which they were driving. IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU’RE                                             CONSTIPATED? It’s true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need                      of some air, LIKE YOU NECK!  but they being normal kids and on a night out, well                    they weren’t going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. HEY CHUCKIE,                                 WHAT WAS IT? On a night out... A WHAT? ...it was a night out... ...they were going                        to remember FOR HOW LONG?  for a very long time.

CAR SCENE

(DURING THIS SCENE WAVE YOUR ARMS BACK AND FORTH SAYING “ASSHOLE, SLUT, ASSHOLE, SLUT...” AS APPROPRIATE.)

NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH - BATMAN!

NIX     I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to                                 every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interests of America first.                     American needs a full time President, NOT A PART TIME CROOK! and a full time                        Congress, particularly at this time...

J              Gosh, that’s the third motorcycle that’s past us NO IT’S THE FIRST, SLUTS CAN’T                             COUNT. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

B            Yes Janet, life’s pretty cheap for that type. DON’T EAT THAT, IT’LL GIVE YOU                  ZITS!

J              What’s the matter Brad darling? THERE’S CUM ON THE WINDSHIELD!

B            Hmmm, we must’ve take a wrong fork a few miles back. FORK YOU!

J              But then where did that motorcyclist come from? DETROIT OR TOKYO!

B            Well, I guess we’ll just have to turn back.

J              What was that bang? IT WAS A GANG BANG!

B            We must have a blowout, damn it! JANET! I knew I should have gotten that spare                         tire fixed. ASSHOLE. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I’ll go for help.

J              Where will you go? We’re in the middle of nowhere.

B            HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT’S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS? Didn’t we pass                         a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use.                       CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES ASSHOLE.

J              I’m going with you.

B            Oh darling, there’s no sense in both of us getting wet.

J              I’m coming with you! OR WITHOUT YOU! Besides darling, the owner of that phone                                 might be a beautiful woman SHE’S HALF RIGHT.  and you might never come back                         again.

RAIN SCENE

(USE YOUR WATER GUNS NOW AND COVER YOUR HEADS WITH NEWSPAPER.)

KICK THE TIRE ASSHOLE! BUY AN UMBRELLA YOU CHEAP BITCH! SLUTS CAN’T READ! LIGHT UP THE SIGN PLEASE. THANK YOU! HEY JANET, LOOK OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING TREE! (FLICK YOUR LIGHTER OR FLASHLIGHT ON DURING THIS CHORUS AND TURN THEM OFF AT THE WORD DARKNESS.)

J              In the velvet darkness... ...of the blackest night... ...burning bright... ...there’s a guiding                   star. IT WAS A PLANET JANET. No matter what WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND                                 HOW. or, who you are. WHAT’S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? There’s a light,                           over at the EPCOTT CENTER. Frankenstein place. There’s a light, burning in the                      fireplace. There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life. ONE! TWO!                                  THREE!

R            SING IT RIFF! Darkness must go down the river of night’s dreaming. HOW ABOUT                               A CLOSE-UP RIFF? Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my                        life. RIFF! LOOK OUT FOR THE INDOOR LIGHTNING MACHINE! Into my                                life...

J              There’s a light, over at the EPCOTT CENTER Frankenstein place. GRATEFUL                         DEAD! GRATEFUL DEAD! There’s a light, burning in the fireplace. There’s a light,                   a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life.

CRIM  HEY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? THANK YOU! And so it seemed that fortune                           had smiled on Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight                               required. Or had they?

J              Oh Brad, let’s go back! I’m cold and I’m frightened? WHY DOES JANET HAVE A                                 CONDOM IN HER HAIR?

B            Just a moment Janet. They may have a phone. DING DONG, ASSHOLE CALLING.

R            SAY HELLO RIFF! Hello...

B            Hi!  My name’s Brad Majors ASSHOLE. and this is my fiancee’ Janet Weiss. SLUT! I                               wonder if you might help us, you see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do

you have a phone we might use?

R            You’re wet... NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

J              Yes, it’s raining. NO SHIT SHIRLEY!

B            Yes!

R            DO YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER? Yes... GET PARANOID RIFF. ...I think                             perhaps you’d better both come inside. I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN COME                                       THAT FAR!

J              SAY SOMETHING NICE JANET. You’re too kind. HEY BRAD, SHOW US HOW                        ASSHOLES FLY. WE SEE YOU MAGENTA! Oh Brad, I’m frightened! What kind                                of place is this?

B            Oh, it’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes. YEAH RICH                                    WEIRDOES!

R            WHICH WAY? This way... FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB! DAH-DUM,                                DAH-DUM...

J              Are you having a party?

R            You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs. WHICH ONE?

J              Oh, lucky him.

M           You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, THE BANISTER’S LUCKY! we’re all lucky!

THE TIME WARP!

(DO THE TIME WARP!)

R            SHOW US YOUR MOTHER RIFF. It’s astounding, time is fleeting. Madness, takes                                it’s toll, but listen closely...

M           Not for very much longer.

R            HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE? I’ve got to keep control. LOSE IT! I                                           remember, doing the Time Warp! KICK! KICK! Drinking... ...those moment’s when,                         the blackness would hit me, and the voice would be calling...

TR         Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

CRIM  HEY CHUCKIE, HOW’S IT DONE? It’s just a jump to the left...

TR         And then a step to the right.

CRIM  With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

TR         You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s               do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

M           It’s so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can’t see me DO YOU DOUCHE?  no                    not at all. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE? In another dimension, with                     voyeuristic intentions. WHERE ARE YOUR BREASTS? Where secluded, CAN YOU                         SEE THIS? (GIVE MAGENTA THE FINGER.) I see all. OH SHIT!

R            With a bit of the mind flip.

M           You’re into the time slip! FUCK THAT BIRD, EAT THIS BAGEL, I’M NOT                                          JEWISH!

R            And nothing can ever be the same.

M           You’re spaced out on sensation.

R            WHAT’S THE AUDIENCE? Like you’re under sedation!

TR         Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

C           Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me            an evil wink. He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the                  devil’s eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would                               again.

TR         Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

CRIM  It’s just a jump to the left.

TR         And then a step to the right.

CRIM  With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

TR         You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.                           Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! TWO, FOUR, SIX,                           EIGHT, SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR                        GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR! Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the                  Time Warp again!

CRIM  HEY GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK! It’s just a jump to the left.

TR         And then a step to the right.

CRIM  With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

TR         You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.                           Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! A BEACHED WHALE,                                 HARPOON IT!

J              Say something.

B            Say... ...one of you guys know how to Madison? ASSHOLE.

J              Brad please, let’s get out of here.

B            BRAD, TELL JANET HOW TO GET OFF! For God’s sake, keep a grip on yourself                           Janet.

J              But it seems so unhealthy here.

B            It’s just a party Janet.

J              Well I want to go!

B            Well we can’t go anywhere till I get to a phone.

J              Well then ask the butler or someone.

B            Just a moment Janet, we don’t want to interfere with their celebration.

J              This isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce Brad!

B            They’re probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some            &nb