What if every person you have ever met is a different version of YOU?  Think about this for a min.  and try to imagine if there is any person who you just cannot identify with?  Somehow I feel that this is the true meaning of oneness.  Every person you have loved or hated is simply a different version of yourself!  When I consider this reality I am intrigued and well pleased.  This concept really embodies infinite possibilities over infinite time in the realms of infinite space!  I am so grateful to have lived my life to the fullest I can with what I have.  Perfection is not about right or wrong but everything happening just the way it had to given the energy of the situations involved.  It is hard to put into words, but I can feel it.  It is like watching a movie and knowing that every element of the scene was constucted for a purpose and with a result in mind.  My life is like that.  The more I am able to bring to consciousness the whys and hows of my life the more beautiful it becomes!  The sense of connection I feel does vary from time to time, experience to experience, but I am getting so good at relishing those feelings and appreciating them no matter how difficult some of them are.  I am grateful to be here to write this journal entry.  It is my deepest desire that each person I meet know that I Love them.  Love is what the world is ultimately made of, which is why Love prevails in stories and why Goodness wins over evil.  It can be no other way!  XOXOXO, Sequoia Elisabeth

Just got back from a meeting at the gender center and besides meeting a new friend it was pretty boring.  I was hopeful that they would be taking volunteers for center activities and for Gold Rush.  Gold Rush is a big gender conference that they put on every year and it has grown to be one of the biggest in the country second only to SCC(Southern Comfort Conference) in Atlanta.  The next big conference is in Chicago.  I think they have them in california and seattle also.  Anyway, ours is going to be great this year and will be my first of this type conference.  I know that I am new to this community and have to work my way in and build a name for myself.  Basically I am doing just that.  I am impressed that few Transgender people talk much about spirituality.  Sometimes they mention church, but not the founding beliefs that make up their personal outlook on life.  I pretty important factor, and one I suppose people just take for granted.  I feel like shining the light on this and asking "are you sure this is what you believe?"  Our beliefs make up our entire world so they are pretty important!  Every day I question mine!  Is this who I really am?  I am a woman and so much more.  I do not see myself as female at this point in the game.  Once I get the surgery that will fall into place as the ground is being sowed for that now.  Questioning reality is always a good idea!  Frankly I have no idea how I got this far in my life without transitioning, but here I am so I will take that, lol.  I was thinking of doing a video and posting it on youtube but after I surfed around on that site I decided that I would wait.  Not sure what to say anyway.  All youtube needs is another TG related video, aaaagggghhhh :-}  I would like to develop a transgender eCourse that I can offer and market to all the world.  That is where I will make a few videos.  So long for now. ;-)

Today has been a big success.  I got up on time and made it over to the GLBT center to meet Crystal and Shari for our talk.  The talk was so much fun, the group was receptive and I was able to talk to them and almost sound intelligent.  I believe I was able to make a few important points such as Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation are seperate and independent, and each person on this planet is an individual and as such we each have our own journey no matter how similar some of them seem.  I told my story of my growing up and how difficult it was for me to come to terms with my situation.  I put up a good fight and now that I lost - I have won! It is funny that for the first time that I can remember I feel comfortable in my body(almost) and with my identity completely.  My purpose on earth seems clear to me now and what I have to offer is also apparent as well.  I am so grateful for my career in MRI and being in a clinic today I felt so comfortable.  I thought for a while that I would enjoy doing continuing education or some type of training in the medical environment.  That is going to be up to the Universe as it has become a nightly routine to surrender my life to Holy Spirit and ask for guidance to the Highest and Best course for all concerned.  Surrender, Trust and Gratitude!  I Trust the Higher process of the Universe to provide for me and allow my path to reveal itself in grand glory daily!  I am so grateful to be alive in this age of awakening!!  Blessed Be ;-)

This has been a great month of Oct. with many successes and victories.  I finished my first class with an A- which I am thrilled about.  My decision to go back to school has been a good one.  I know that the future is bright for me now.  Looking back over the month I have worked out some challenges I had with my hormones and I am not finished with that, but I am happy that I got my perscription changed from Premarin to Estradiol (generic) because the Estradiol is taken sublingual and is much easier on my stomach!  I am paying 4$ for 30 tablets of the Estradiol vs the free price tag on the Premarin from the clinic, but it is worth it in the long run to protect my health.  The other success is that I started my own Mary Kay business!  I love makeup and have always wanted to learn about cosmotology.  This is a gift I am giving myself.  With my medical background learning about skin care should be both easy and fun.  Mom taught me a lot about colors and how to combine them for an attractive look so this will serve me well.  Be sure to check out my website throught link on this website.  The other success is that I received my loan money for school and I am able to pay all my bills for the rest of the year!  YAY!

Upon deep reflection and through my interactions with my peers at the GICC I am realizing that I need to have SRS as soon as possible for several reasons.  One is that as long as I have male parts they will be producing male hormones and it would not only be financially better to not have to take anti-androgens it would be physically better on my body.  The other benefit is that my psychological adjustment would be easier as I could say, look I have female parts now so I am a woman through and through.  When I look in the mirror I have to Love what I see and that is a stretch for me.  It is getting easier the more I practice, and maybe this is something I have to do internally first before the outside can be changed.  Relating to others, especially men will be easier when I know I can give him what he desires (and what I desire).   I know the money will come and I will have SRS soon.  Just how and where this is coming from I have no idea.  I am open to all gifts of the Universe may they be expected or unexpected and may they be in the Highest and Best good of everyone concerned!   I go to sleep each night with a vision of my body as I desire it to appear.  Is it strange to dream of being a vagina?  As they say, Be - Do - Have!

A MESSAGE FROM THE ANGELSSession data-->

My dear friends, we love you so very much.

In your hearts dear ones there is always light, always joy, always
truth. It is only your minds, your conditioning, and your fears,
that darken these beautiful spaces of the soul. When you walk in
joy and faith, you walk in truth. When you walk in fear, the
illusions of the world are making an attempt to possess you. Your
loving creator desires to give you all that you need and more. Your
loving creator wants you to experience the joys of this reality,
the security that comes from knowing all your true needs are met,
the delight of connecting with other wonderful experiences and
human beings. Your loving creator wants more for you than you would
ever dream of asking. God wants nothing less than to allow your
soul to blossom in the fullness of its loving expression this
lifetime.

When you worry, allow fears of lack, fears of the future, or
feelings of separation to possess you, you are truly giving up your
God given right to be happy. Look your fears in the face, dear
ones. Challenge them. What if they did come true? In the worst of
cases, you would handle the situation while God holds your hands
and angels guide you. You would learn. You would come out stronger,
wiser, more clear on the true nature of God's love. Better yet, if
you surrender to each moment, embracing its beauties, giving thanks
for its gifts and blessings, then chances are likely you will not
even have to face your fears. For in avoiding fears fearfully, you
draw them unto you, but in loving each moment, there is no room in
your soul for these fears to take root. They cannot grow into
reality when planted in a heart that is watered with love and
tended with kindness.

When you feel fearful, ask to feel the truth of God's love. Sit,
breathe, relax, and receive until you are calm and feeling the
truth of this beautiful light inside you once again. When you are
fearful for another, use your willpower to stop your worrying and
surround them with a beautiful light. When you are afraid about
your future, give thanks and praise for you now. Sometimes you do
not like where you are in life. That is ok, but there is always,
and we repeat, always something to be thankful for and something to
life your vibration.

Dear ones, fears are temporary, but the truth of God's love is
eternal. This love is what creates you, sustains you, breathes
every breath you breathe, and pulses through every beat of your
heart. This love will be with you throughout your entire life and
after death. There is never a moment when it is not there. There
are only times when, as human beings, you allow fears to take
control of your minds, possess your spirits, and then dear ones,
you are simply wearing a blindfold and cannot see the light. Go
within, sit, breathe, relax, receive, and you will find this light
once again. Focus upon it. Fill your hearts with gratitude for the
beautiful and treasured souls that you truly are and then your
lives will begin to reflect the miraculous nature of heaven.

Heaven is and has always been there for you dear ones. Focus upon
what is good and true and heaven will reveal is beautiful light in
both your hearts and your lives.

We love you so very much.
-- The Angels w/Ann Albers

Let me explain why I chose the name I did for this website.  Sequoia Blessed is fairly self explanitory if you are a minister or religious person, however just in case I would like to make it clear that I Bless my new life!  To Bless something is to see the Divine within it.  The old school would have you believe that only "a Person of the Cloth" could Bless anything, but this is simply not true.  We each have the ability to Bless anyone or anything we choose!  When you say "I Bless you", what you are saying is I see the Divine within you!  You are expressing your connection to that person and to the Almighty.  Please know that we are all connected with the ONE (God, Universal Truth, Great Spirit, Allah, Yaweh, etc.) and with each other since we are all an extension of the One.  You do not have to believe in God or anything like this, because God believes in YOU.  For many years I did not believe in anything and slowly I awoke to the Truth.  I continue to awaken and my awareness deepens every day!  It is hard to put into words, but as I was awakening (our most connected and aware time of the day to our soul) I got the message to write this blog!  We are guided each step of the way if we listen.  It is when we stop listening and not "paying" attention that we go astray.  That is why the analogy of the shepherd is used for Jesus.  He will not let one person get lost.  I have found my way Home!  And so will YOU.  We are all at Home in God, May you be Blessed in your journey! I make it a habit now to Bless all who cross my path be they friend or foe ( I have no foe's because I choose not to see them that way)!  I ask you today to see the Divine is each and every person you meet by Blessing them! (simply say to yourself or out loud, "I Bless you" while you are thinking of that person - seeing the Divine within them)  Thank you for visiting my website, I BLESS YOU!

ps. To see the "Divine" in someone look for what you share in common, we are each human to start with, or we are all made of the same "star stuff"as Carl Sagan used to say, so with practice and honest inquiry you will be guided to that place where you can feel in your heart a connection to each and every person you meet.  This feeling will lift you up and feels wonderful.  Remember that the Divine is a positive force or energy that makes up everything in our world and that it exists in even the most devastating disaster, Look for it!

Last night I really enjoyed the GICC meeting since their were people there that I could relate to.  We covered all kinds of topics and I had fun.  I was so inspired that I came home and stayed up late working on the TransTerminology page which I expanded to include both Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation.  I even put in a few terms that I feel are important in understanding the trans journey.  For instance I do not associate woman with a persons genitals or man for that matter.  Genitals are associated with female and male.  So I see myself as a male woman!  At least until I have SRS.  Once the surgery is done then I will be a female woman not like genetic females, but a woman with a deeper understanding of what it is to be Human.  Not better or worse than anyone either, but just a different perspective arising from my unique experiences.  We are each on our own personal journey through "space-time" and that is what makes the world so unique and special.  I think that our general "identity" is important so that we have a way to relate to what we are experiencing.  Without a point of reference it is easy to get lost!  Life is simple, easy is up to you!

Sometimes I wonder why I care.  My deepest desire is to help others, to make a difference in the world, and to raise the level of consciousness.   I love everyone I meet.  How I express that Love differs, but there is no doubt that the people I meet are beautiful loving souls like me that care about the world they live in and the other life forms that share their existance.  So why is it so hard to understand each other?  The paradox of life is that we are all the same, yet we appear different.  Making friends is simply about finding what you have in common and building on that, whether this person is gay, fat, transgender, asian, attractive, disabled, rich or republican only matters if you make it so.  When you focus on the similarities you share, a bond is created, a bond we call friendship.  If that similarity is not focused on then the bond will weaken and eventually break.  The first time I meet a person I am looking for things we share in common so I have something to talk about.  I am open and happy to talk about most any subject, just be ready for the answer!  I am going to tell you the truth as I see it, you may not see it that way and that is OK, just please hear me out.  It is not my personality type to convince anyone of anything, nor do I sell myself to others even though I realize that is the way one gets their message out to the world.  Let me just re-state my message in as clear a phrase as I can.  I LOVE YOU, and I pray that you Love me too.

Today has been one of those days when I question my exisitance and yet I am thrilled to be living the life I came here to live.  I know the Truth and yet...I keep getting barraged with doubt.  Life goes on....

This has been a wonderful week.  Tuesday I went to pay for the alterations I had done on my bras since they did not fit me just right and were uncomfortable to wear, now they are wonderful and I am happy to wear a bra.  I also dropped off a few dresses to be tailored for my tall body.  I am so glad that I have found a wonderful seamstress/tailor to do my alterations.  When you are as tall as I am finding clothes off the rack that fit right is rare, but it does happen.  SimplyTall.com is a wondeful website for tall women and they have all types of clothing.  I am presently considering getting a raincoat, but have not made the decision.  I am waiting to see how the money situation is.  I really want a raincoat that has a hood so that my hair stays dry when I walk to the bus.  I will be shopping the bargain stores here soon for a new purse too.  On wednesday was my eye doctor appointment and that went very well as my prescription only needed a slight change, plus I found this awesome pair of girly frames that look great on me ;-)  I will pick them up tomorrow after going to the pharmacy to get my hormones.  Today I went to see the doctor and she wrote me a prescription for Estroderm and Finasteride.  The reason I requested these particular meds is because I have found them to be easy to handle physically and inexpensive as well.  The Premarin was OK, but it is hard on my stomach (I had to start taking anti-acid meds) and the feminization was less noticable also.  Tonight I went to a pot luck meeting at the GBLT Center downtown and had a fabulous time!  I love visiting with other ladies like myself and sharing our experiences.  So as you can see this has been a fun filled week and it is not even over yet.  I think this is partly due to the fact that I have a FAT bank account right now after getting my school loan money.  I am saving most of it for paying monthly bills and plan on making it through the year on what I have left.  Of course I am open to expected and unexpected sources of income coming to me at any time, because I am in the flow where mystery and miracles abide!  May the funds appear for SRS and electrolysis with Godspeed ;-)

  The next step after getting the electrolysis and laser hair removal going and you have cleared your face at least one time you can think about starting the hormones.  Of course don't forget to get counseling before even starting the transition in any form.  A professional gender therapist is not a requirement at this stage, but it is highly recommended.  www.docbushong.com is my choice because I could use him from anywhere, he has been doing this a long time, has extensive experience with the trans-community and is very good at what he does.  I suggest searching the internet for a gender therapist in your city first, if that does not work find others in the trans-community and ask them where they go.  The website URnotAlone.com is an excellent way to find others to talk to.  OK, now that you have a therapist, and have started your hair removal you can start thinking about hormones.  I am assuming that you have made the decision with the help of your therapist that you are ready to take this long and irreversible journey.  Hormones are a big step!  Do not take them lightly.  There are risks that must be considered.  They will render you sterile eventually and pose health risks depending on your level of health.  I will not get into specifics here because there are websites that do a very good job of this, just check the weblinks page on this website.  I will share the route I took because I am very satisfied with it.  First I started on anti-androgens (Spironolactone) - keep the dosage below 200mg a day.  I over did it to start and ended up in the ER with severe dehydration and irregular heartbeat.  I only take 50mg now twice a day.  I only took this one hormone for 6mos before I started on the estrogen.  This helped ease my body into the transition and I could feel the effects right away.  The other anti-androgen he put me on was Finasteride (Proscar) 5mg once a day.  This helps in scalp hair growth plus it shrinks the prostate gland.  The Estrogen he suggested and I am very happy with is "the patch" Estradiol in a transdermal patch.  He suggested Climera because it is inexpensive, but I broke out in a rash, so I ended up using Estaderm which is only a little more expensive.  This brings up the cost factor for all this.  Be prepared to spend some cash!  The hormones cost about $100 a month depending on where you go to get them, could be more or less.  He also had me taking oral Estrofem as a supplement to the transdermal patch.   A few things have happened over the last year, such as having great difficulty finding work as my Transgender self and money has become an issue for me.  I had to go to a homeless clinic and get my meds for free and make a few sacrifices.  I am taking Premarin now which I do not recommend for several reasons, it is not as effective, is hard on the stomach and I have been feeling strange for the lack of a better word.  I am still taking the Spironolactone which the clinic provides, but as soon as I can find a different alternative I will get off the Premarin.  Please understand that I feel that transition is more important than my life and most if not all transsexuals feel this way.  Transition is a life or death decision!  DO IT OR DIE TRYING is very acceptable to me.  Getting on feminizing hormones is the best thing I have done for myself, because I feel so much better and cannot be happier with the results!  As they say, Nothing ventured, nothing gained!  By venturing my life, I have gained the life of my dreams!  Don't forget to get medical care when needed and consult a therapist on a regular basis.  I am OK with risk, but unnecessary risk is plain foolish. The journey continues....

I have had some good meetings at the GICC (Gender Identity Center of Colorado) and one thing that was pointed out is that planning of the transition is so important to an easy and comfortable transition.  Electrolysis is the most important thing we do as MtoF Transgender persons, so do it early - first thing!  Before we start hormones our bodies are less sensitive to pain and can tolerate the whole process much better.  I suggest starting with Laser and get that done as soon as possible, usually takes 6-8 treatments to clear the face.  If you have dark hair and a hairy body then think about getting it for your body, but if you are not overly hairy don't waste the money on it.  Hormones do a good job of reducing the hairs on your body to a normal woman's level.  Yes women do have hair all over their body, but it is softer, shorter and less noticable.  After you get the Laser done, or even at the same time, start working on the electrolysis.  Our hairs grow in cycles and when you get one clearing another clearing will be necessary.  It will take years to get them all.  So even if you go for a year getting laser and electrolysis and then starting hormones, you will be way ahead of the game!  The hormones work wonders, but have to be approached with caution.  I will go into that on a later Blog, but basically find a doctor that knows Trangender processes and follow their advice.  See the links on my weblinks page.  I recommend Dr. Bushong, but that is because I have been using him and find his advice to be excellent!

Today is the official one year anniversary of being full time!   I have NOT crossdressed (in my mind) this whole year and feels great to be myself finally.  For me wearing mens clothes is crossdressing since I identify female and just because I had this thing between my legs I was trained to crossdress.  Now don't get confused, because it is not that difficult.  The exterior does not always match the interior and that is OK, it can be corrected.  I just took life as being a world of opposites thinking that things where not meant to match up, you know - opposites balance one another.  The truth is that like attracts like and opposites balance.  The important thing is that almost all is well in my world.  I still am planning on having SRS to make me functioning.  I am grateful for the times I was able to function as a male, and I can think of a few times that it was indeed Cosmic, but I attribute that more to the person I was with.  I am indeed Blessed in my life in so many ways.  Thank God for the gifts I have received and am yet to receive.  Each step of my life reveals a Blessing even greater than what I have known before! 

A few things are on my mind today and the first is the Transgender journey.  How does this journey relate to the Spiritual journey?  This question has been floating around for over a week now and it came to me today.  The message is to see everyone you meet as a Spiritual Being, not a man, woman, child, ugly, beautiful, fat, sick, strong, or whatever you may see them as.  We are each a Beloved Child of God (substitute your chosen title here) who is a Spiritual being first and foremost.  The Human being part is secondary but still very important.  The Human experience is HOW we experience this Spiritual being that we are!  There is no right way or wrong way to experience our beingness.  There is only who we are in this lifetime.  When we have fulfilled our purpose here and grown suffiently we will move on to bigger and better things/experiences/states of being.  If we try to force things by ending the journey we simply start over again from the beginning, much like a board game - return to home and do not collect $200, LOL. 

One a different subject I am taking a class on The Conscious Feminine Woman and I cannot say enough praise for this course.  One of the major points she makes is that we each have both masculine and feminine which we all know, but that one is primary in each person which remains this way from birth throughout our entire lifetime.  I have been living in my secondary gender for most of my life up until I made the shift full time last year.  My Primary Essense has taken over now - the Divine Feminine!  I am so overjoyed to be saying that and feeling it!  If you would like to learn more about your feminine essense, http://theyinproject.com/Yin/seminar/, sign up for free and the classes are recorded so you can catch up on your own time. 

After a great weekend of visiting with a friend, going to a concert, enjoying some Italian food, and watching some good movies I have come to the conclusion that life is simple.  We are all here to Love and Be Loved!  Gotta just Love it ;-))   I LOVE YOU

To update my progress so far, I went to the doctor this week and had a small "spot" removed on my left shoulder.  It will be analysed to see what kind of cells where there.  I am thinking pre-cancerous basal cells, but will leave that up to the universe.  They got it pretty early so I am not concerned at all.  Simply one of those things that come from fair skin and too many sunburns.  The life of a redhead, oh well.  Mom was much the same and she lived a long and happy life, and so will I.  On a different subject I have big plans this weekend, going to a concert at Mile-Hi Church and hanging out with a friend.  This will be my first "sleep over" and I am giddie with excitement ;-)  Not knowing what a teenage girl feels like I cannot say that I feel that way, but I do feel like a youngster growing up all over again!

Let me comment here on my horomones that I am very grateful to be getting no charge from the Clinic in Denver.  The physical changes have slowed and so far I am not impressed with how the oral premarin is making me feel.  The Estroderm patches had a more consistant feminine mood to them if you know what I mean and my breast development was better too.  I have no idea what my estrogen levels are, and can only go on the feel.  My recommendation to you is to use the trans-dermal patches if you can afford it though.  As soon as my income goes back to normal I will be switching back too.  I actually have a plan to get back on Estroderm within a month or so.  The other component that I am impressed with is Fincar or Proscar which is an anti-androgen which my doctor has had me on for a year now and I must say that my hair is very feminine now, soft, short and natural on my body and long, sexy on my head. 

With my graduate studies now taking a large portion of my time and the ministerial work take the rest I am finding it harder to comment here, but here goes.  It occurred to me today that I could be experiencing egoic resistance to my transition.  Up until a few years ago I allowed ego to rule my life and make my choices for me, but no longer.  I follow my heart and soul now and cannot describe the Joy and freedom I feel because of this.  I must admit that my transition is effecting more than I realized and most if not all aspects of my being are changing.  I must release the man that never was to allow the woman who I really am to emerge.  The scale will tip to the feminine side now and for a while till a balance with my masculine can equalize.  I see now that the ego is keeping me from expressing my femme fully with it's occupation with the superficial.  My Goddess is emerging and loving all she encounters, including my ego!  I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I am abundant, vibrant and sexy - full of Love to share with all and embracing the physical changes that come with transition with care and loving acceptance.  My desire to finish my electrolysis and have my surgery are greater than ever!!!   In the interest of my vibrant health and glowing beauty I pray the journey of physical transformation continues with Godspeed!

Been a great week so far.  I went to gender meetings last Saturday, Monday night, and Thursday night.  The picnic on sat. at the GICC was wonderful with loads of good food and lots of loving people to visit with, it is always nice to meet new people.  Of course I enjoy seeing my old friends too ;-).  Monday night went well, as I just love the relaxed atmosphere and genuine concern I feel at those meetings.  Thursday I went to GLBT Center and picked up my reading material for the Transgender 101 course I will be lecturing on in the near future.  As part of my Masters in Adult Education and Training I have to put my skills to use and Crystal was very gracious to allow me to do just that!  Thank you so much Crystal!  I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have come up and for all the fantastic people I have met here in the Denver area.  The meeting that followed on Thursday night went very well!  I knew only the leader of the group so it was nice to meet even more new faces.  The quality of people I have met at these gender meetings so far is just awesome.  Such lovely people, that I am proud to be a member of the GLBT Center and GICC communities!  I am working on developing a course to offer with my Spiritual Counseling business that is slanted toward transition.  I have some really great ideas that I will be rolling out in the next few weeks.  Keep an eye out and remember if you need anyone to talk to, just drop me a line.  :~)

YAY, we are on the path to equality in the eyes of the masses!  Of course this starts at home, right in the middle of your heart.  I am so grateful to be a part of a society that accepts and honors all citizens!  There are no exceptions in God's Love, so there are none in mine!  Here is an article you may find interesting that I wrote today.

http://sequoiablessed/page12

Just a short note to say that I did get the energy to go downtown and visit with Cathryn at the Center, but not much was going on and after visiting for a few hrs I came home.  Writing about my feelings definitely helped release the emotional pain I was feeling.  Today is a new day and well here we are, the end of the line.  I have riden this poney till she is lame and I am not sure if either of us can go on.  I have been optimistic, hopeful, positive and loving to the best of my abilities.  All I feel like right now is the journey has taken me to a box canyon and my poney just died.  Here are my options as I see it.  Continue doing what I am doing and hope for a job and to make enough to get out of debt plus create the person I feel that I am (Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results).  Or end it all here, right now.  The delimma with ending it is that I am not a murderer, plain and simple, "though shall not kill".  I have been looking for a loop-hole in that statement and have not been able to find one.  In a way even "natural death" is suicide since we create our own reality.  From what I have been taught, death is an illusion! (Jesus made this point 2k yrs ago)  It is interesting that he knew he would be killed and did nothing to stop it, so in fact this is suicide since he could have prevented his death!  Allowing another to do what you are not willing to do is still making the choice to do it.  So where does this put me?  Sigh...   Of course Jesus allowed his death to make a point.  It was sort of like hitting your hand with a hammer and saying "see it didn't hurt!".  I have surrendered to Holy Spirit so many times I have lost count.  My drive to go on, to move forward is about spent, heck it is gone.  If I could roll over and pass on right now I would, but somehow I am afraid that is not going to happen.  I could use a massive Miracle right now.  Not just the average finding water when you are thirsty miracle, but a big one that shifts my perspective to the point of flying and beyond! 

Today I was planning on going downtown to The Center where they have a gender support group from 4-6pm.  My emotions have fallen to pieces this afternoon and I just am not up to going.  The reasons for this are multifaceted and include finances, reviewing the choices I have made, and some of the choices I have yet to make.  The one thing that I am happy about is my decision to go back to school at University of Phoenix to get my Masters in Adult Education and Training.  I think this will be a great career choice for me and should be the avenue I need to get the kind of work I am looking for.  When coupled with my Ministry work I hope to make a real impact on the world, in a positive way.  The emotional storm is growing so I will sign off for now.  Doubts about every decision I have ever made seem to be erupting within me now, so I am going to lay down and surrender to Spirit, it is my only Hope. 

I discovered last week that I do not need SNAP benefits(food stamps) since I was not approved.  Seems I have to be working 20hrs a wk since I am a full time student.  Well I start classes on Tues this week and have my first assignment done already.  I feel so abundant and alive right now.  There is something big and wonderful in the works I can feel it!  Not sure exactly what it is but I know it is wonderful.  Last week was full each night with some kind of meeting and the highlight was friday night when I went to MileHi church for Gender Varient 101.  My friend Dora sat next to me and the room was full of beautiful souls that I so connected with.  The feeling of Love that I feel and felt that night is almost overwhelming.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be and living the life I was meant to all along.  I have awakened and it is glorious.  Much like buds on a rose bush, when one blooms many others follow as they know it is time!  May your Flower be a beautiful reflection of who you are!  If I where a flower I would be....a lotus.

In keeping with my mantra that "I always have what I need", today I went and applied for SNAP benefits (food stamps).  The process is simple and I came home with two big bags of food!  YAY.  I have an interview on Thurs. to confirm my history and then things will be finalized in about 10days.  The good news is that I got a card (like a debt card) today that will be charged up in 7 days from today.  So next week I am going shopping for food again!  I am so excited to be able to get my own food again.  Although I am deeply grateful for my friends who continue to support me!  I have my own room and I eat dinner in the evening with everyone in the house which at this time is 4-5 depending on whether their son is over.  It is very much like living in a convent or monestary where the environment is peaceful and calming.  I have no idea what my next job will be, but I am open to the Universal good of all who are concerned.  I have so much to offer!   Life is good and very GOOD. 

Wow, it has been too long since my last entry so let me get you up to date.  Still putting in job applications and feeling good about my prospects.  Had an interview last week but I really need more hours than that, 8 a week is not going to work.  I need at least 20hrs/wk.  The other big project I have started is school.  Upon much reflection and self contemplation I have decided teaching is my next career move, as this is in harmony with my true self and since my life is dedicated to my "own self be true" this is the path I have chosen.  My nature is to inspire others, to go with the flow and maintain my connection to Spirit at all times, while reminding others to do the same.  On the 15th I start Univ. of Phoenix and will be getting my Masters in Adult Education.  As a minister and a teacher my message is simple, love yourself, be aware of as much as possible, and accept all that you encounter with Love.  I will be teaching these principles while educating the public on Transgender issues, promoting Equal Rights for all, and focusing on Peace.  Actually I am very excited for I see wonderous things happening in the next few years!  I will go to work in the next few weeks, get back on my feet by the end of the year and move out on my own.  Then I will focus on school and work, while in the background create the SRS that I need.  I also plan on getting the electrolysis that I need to clear my face and neck, which actually will be first priority.  All is going as planned and I am so grateful to be here in Denver!  Life could get very busy in the near future, but I will do my best to keep you up to date.  Oh, almost forgot, I went to the free clinic yesterday and got my horomones that I need, so I am still on track with this - Thank GOD!  All is well ;-)